claw that ass

I'm supposed to be finishing some note typing.

Those notes determine my grades. Butbut.

I don't want to watch something so good crumble and die.

What happens when the food hunting stops (which never will because food is temporal and always available ok anyway) / when I finally cry in front of you because you pissed me off and you see how petty or uncool I really am / we run out of places to go / we get bored of wishtime / we have nothing much to talk about / you leave and I leave and we both go through phases we've always dreaded but they pick us off our dangling feet as we struggle like fishes out of water to stay put ???

What happens.

Cherishing makes me feel like handcuffing both our wrists and throwing away the key.

And there I go telling you stories, wanting to know what you feel or how you're looking at the screen on the other side of this Macbook. 

I want the whole Takashimaya square to hear me scream and cry, scream and cry and I want you to be watching the news about this crazy hooligan for love and that will be me.

Days come and go. Work and school and now it's the holidays.

It's been (almost?) a year.

Give me those handcuffs.

I swear I'll cry like mad when circumstances come into play.

THE ARMY CAN KISS MY ASS.

PS: I think I flirt unconsciously. Doesn't mean I can't be serious/faithful. Look how serious I've been. *troll face*- no, I'm not kidding.

I love you with a loyalty so fierce that if it were to be alive, it'd kill like one fast-ass lioness.

so come home, come home.

Here I am. Naked.

With bare shoulders and tired hands. 

Why do I feel my veins turning into rubber, I don’t know.

I punished myself today.

Drew brown all over my eyelids because I was moody.

But moody is too frail a reason to want You here at the centre of my everything again.

I’ve been looking into eyes and kissing the wrong boys. Letting lust set my mind, my crotch and my bed on fire. Watching my spirit get fed to the dogs in the darkness I cultivated. And in that blackness I let November’s flowers wither as poison ivy grew with such tenderness and seduction.

I abandoned joy.

And it left the way I see you leaving me.

I didn’t see You go though.

Or maybe that’s because You haven’t. You’ve been waiting all this while.
Funny, because You are my joy.

I wanted to cry on the bus home.

(“When the fight for You is all I’ve ever known.”)

Yet when I met You in the shower this morning, I couldn’t cry.

I wasn’t numb, and I know this because my face hurt and my throat collapsed with every silent mad howl and it just kept raining within me.

So I prayed. I couldn’t keep still.

Just kept wailing Your secret name and held it close to my heart, pressing my navy nails against my chest as water that soothed me the way burning coals push into wounds fell all around me. Just wanting you so badly to take over, Lord.

Please don’t leave me.

‘Storm’ cuts my heart.

Losing my confidence in You has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Not the fact that I haven’t gotten closure, not the fact that I haven’t done so many things to earn myself a name– but the way I’ve blinded myself to the awareness that You are in control of everything. I put those scales on my own eyes and forgot how they had stung before. I put them on everything.

Everything.
"Define everything."
Huge ass word. Huge ass me.

No.

Small me. Big You. Big, big, lovely You.

I’ve missed You so so much and please take this love letter and hold it and kiss it and turn Your face and cause it to shine upon me again. Please.

I’m scrambling for breath, Lord. For You Lord.

Cos I’m so dry, Lord.

Withering away like a wild flower whose fate has always been in Your hands.

They say I shouldn’t be a prisoner of my own fate – but You are gentle and kind and all-knowing and understanding and supportive and You’ve been waiting for me all this while. This long long while.

Raining, Lord. Raining inside and I can’t stand it any longer. I wish You would send me angels that sing me sweet songs- songs that tell me You hear me and that You love me and that You’re not going to leave me or give up on me.

White, Lord. Send me white in all its purity and goodness and favour and empowerment.

K hugged me and said don’t trust anybody. I said I trusted her. God, if you live in all of us then make her my angel. And vice versa.
You probably know all of this already but I don't want to be passive.
Will You honor this? And give me someone who will love me for everything You made me to be.
Send me You.
Take all the rain in me and let me wash Your feet, not wasting a single drop as I do so.
Take my breasts, my eyes, my lips and my tongue.
Take my fingers, my smile and my frown.

I end this with all my love.

once again

Dear you,

I am sitting on the wrong chair.
Once you sit with your legs wide open, feeling your ass tripod adjusting on hard wood, that's when you know this chair sucks.

I had a phone conversation tonight with one of my favourite persons of all time.
Comfortable. Think cheese and crackers.
Just the feeling you get when your ass sinks into the softness of your bed.
Okay, maybe that's because I was on the bed.
Still.

I don't think I've lost the romanticism in me.

I thought I gave it all away to you but I was wrong.

I am romantic.

That will never change.

Thank you for making time for me.

Are you being civil?

With all my civil and the best love (I reserved for you),

sab

A bowl in the kitchen

It felt as if I had stood there for ages, holding that bowl, not feeling the tension between my knee caps.
Eating has become tiring.
Why eat anyway. Why live.

On the table sat noodles in a bigger bowl and my thoughts dashed right in there.
Naked people, disturbances, God, cute things, my body, taste, luxury, amethysts falling off my ring in my dreams, j, j, God again, another j, frozen yoghurt, bright lights, voice, p, Satan, work, work work.
Entangled and twisted and they clung onto every strand of sticky noodle I picked up with white, careful chopsticks.

Selection.
Natural selection.
Do you blame it or do you blame the circumstances for making me this way.
No, I choose to blame myself.
Why blame God?
Take your pride and eat it, then vomit it out then swallow it all down again.
Repeat after me.
This is how we humans live.

They ask why be sad. Why wallow in this 'depression', in this 'grave you have dug with your own hands'?
Reality. It's because of reality.
You tell me to be happy in reality.
I can, but my mind is critical - it sees all the bad.

So do you blame the way you were made.
Do you blame God for giving you a mindset like this?
Is God hiding away, hiding so well that you give up?

Tell me what to feel.

hold my heart

dear babe
why'd you gotta go and let me wait this long
leave me wondering when you'll ever come around
if you're upset why don't you tell me
if you feel the same way why don't you hold me
why do you stop there
have you displaced your trust in me
that i will not be loyal or faithful?
or have you read my childlike disposition wrongly
why'd you gotta go and make my jealousy eat at me this way
it devours me
and makes me cry on every bus ride
everywhere i go i carry your heart with me
as i sculpted the cold damp sand with my fingers
i was alone
just for a little while
and i felt at ease, i've always been so alone
but i couldn't ignore the fact that i wish i wasn't this comfortable with being lonely all the time
then i drifted off to thoughts of you
the music the sand the sunset the sound of the waves and all their laughter
wishing you were lying down next to me
seeing what i'm seeing
feeling what i'm feeling
knowing that i'll always want you around me
to be experiencing all this beauty the way i do
the best things for you darling
all the best things that make me happy- i want them to make you happy
and content is all i'll ever be once that happens
even if it's a tiny moment
(my tiny moments with you mean so much to me
i could go on about them for days and days
but incoherence has never been much of a help)
don't watch the fireworks themselves; they are temporary
but keep still and watch how they illuminate the clouds with their colours
every boom every splash of that distinct vibrant red on white vapour canvas
every boom every splash of that sight is what i want to keep for you
i know you don't throw things away easily
but why do you show me that you do
leave me hanging, leave me thinking i'm just another play toy for a boy
yes a boy but you have never been ordinary to me,
you have so much more purpose in my life than the others placed in it
why'd you gotta go and make me feel this way
why'd you gotta go and make me give up then turn around
take one more wrong turn cos it's a long drive back to vegas skies
vegas never held my heart anyway.
so if this makes you happy i will wait all over again
for once i am not relieved that this isn't the end of the world
because that call would've held so much more than an 'accident' and a 'sorry' and a 'bye'

I swear I'll break your face if I ever-
I think I'll hate you like nuts if you ever-

If you ever.

ARGH WHAT KINDA SHITTY FEELINGS ARE THESE
CAN YOU HELP ME ANOT
WORLD END THEN WORLD END LA

CHEEBS.

fk you la

sweet disposition

I walk
I pop the straw in
I suck
slllluuurrrrppppp

Can't believe I'm breathing
Never really knew how to breathe before this, did I?

I have this ability
To let you slip right out of my fingers
A hundred times, over and over
Before I finally want to hold you

I pick so carefully
I picked you
Sure why can't we celebrate a feeling?
Why make it definite?
I watch you
Kick up a whole theoretical fuss
When someone toys with your love

I am Allie
I am screaming at you, Noah
Noah why Noah

So I take a step
Adjust
Pop the wilderness in
I suck my senses dry

Every sweet disposition is inborn

But.

Seriosity is manandwoman-made

And haven't you heard?

Seriosity fucked the cat over